Writing prompt - "Tell me about your baby" : I think that talking about our babies can be very very therapeutic. And I know that in our "real lives", most people are uncomfortable when we try. Even if they aren't, WE are often uncomfortable to initiate dialogue...But as a fellow baby loss mama, I'd like to open a discussion for that purpose. Tell me about your baby that you lost. Tell me what he or she was like, or what your favorite things were about pregnancy. Tell me your baby's "story", if you need to talk about it. Tell me anything you want about your baby, and tell me everything you want about her/him.
Cadence Marie - April 21-23, 2010
The condom broke, and we knew right away that I would get pregnant, so it was just a matter of waiting until a test would confirm it. I had to get one with a "Pregnant / Not Pregnant" screen to get a clear answer, and DH was playing video games when I told him. We were hesitant to tell anyone for several weeks in case we lost this pregnancy, too, until the first midwife I interviewed convinced us we might like the emotional support. When we finally told our parents, his were ecstatic, and mine refused to be happy until we had a confirmed heartbeat at 12 weeks, which sounded like someone running on a gravel road.
We had our first ultrasound at 19 weeks, and I have to admit I was initially disappointed to be having a girl. At the time, I was convinced that having boys would prevent me from turning into my mother. Even that early, Cady had my nose and DH's toes. I couldn't detect her kicks for another month, and it wasn't until late in my pregnancy that I realized what I felt before then was her, hiccuping, which she did a lot. Cady wasn't a very active baby. Never before 10:30am, and usually around 2:00pm, 4:30pm, and throughout the late evening. She only woke me up in the night once (I actually slept better while pregnant than I did before it). She moved so little that my midwives ordered a second US at 31 weeks, just in case, and she was just fine. Throughout the pregnancy, her heartbeat changed to someone whipping sheet metal back and forth to finally resembling a canter. She didn't like fresh broccoli but quite liked it cooked. She loved the final song on the second Glee CD, and I sang to her sometimes, but she didn't physically respond to that. I craved sweet & sour or sweet & tangy things, like grapefruit, kiwi, strawberries, and sweet & sour gummy worms, constantly.
I'm not sure how long I was in labor. If you go from when my back first started hurting, 30 hours. If you go from when I first started noticing the pain had a pattern, 11 hours. Either way, I did it without drugs (yay me!), and Cadence arrived at 9:36pm on April 21, 2010, at 40 weeks 6 day. She was very alert and seemed focused, and within ten minutes of birth, she pooped on me. She was perfectly healthy, just a little small at 6lbs 14oz, and nursed well for nearly an hour. She and I were doing so well that we got to leave the birth center just 3 hours after she was born.
The birthing assistant said that newborns usually slept about 8 hours before starting the normal routine of needing to eat every 2-3 hours. NOT. She cried harder if we turned the lights off, as if she needed to be able to see everything, and wanted to be with someone constantly. Her eyes were dark blue, her hair was dark brown, and Cady otherwise looked like me except for Daddy's feet. Her arms were always escaping her swaddle, and she waved them around or stuck them between us while trying to nurse, or stuck her hands in her mouth. I tried putting socks on her hands, but they came right off. She preferred her purple blanket to the actual swaddling blanket because she could chew on it. She nursed well on the right but never could latch well on the left. We were going to get help with that at our 2 day appointment.
Since I was supposed to stay in bed through the 24th, DH made sure I ate and slept, showed Cady the nursery we were putting together for her, and tried to read her a book about fruits and vegetables, but what he did best that day was give her music. The first song he sang to her was "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" followed by the "Inchworm" song. She also was acquainted with the Beatles White Album, some Dean Martin ("That's Amore"), and several songs from The Muppet Show.
DH's parents arrived that evening to stay and to help. Mine were leaving to make the 10 hour drive at 6 the next morning. They held her quite a bit and let me get a little sleep. Cady nursed very well from 8-9, a little at 11, when everyone went to bed, and wanted to again at 1. Since I was supposed to stay in bed and we were so exhausted, I was side-lying nursing, so she fell asleep in my arms. At 3am, she woke again, so we switched sides. DH woke back up, leaned over me to try to shush her, and went back to sleep when she started nursing. I fell asleep, and when I woke up at 3:28, she was gone.
April 22 was the happiest day of my life. April 23 was the worst. We don't have an answer from the medical examiner yet. The ER doctor said she didn't suffocate, so thought SIDS. I miss her so much.
4:28 p.m. - Monday, Jun. 21, 2010
Recent entries:
Test post - Sunday, Feb. 26, 2017
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Remembering My Daughter - Monday, Jun. 21, 2010
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