I hate that there are days that it doesn't feel like my daughter was ever really here. I hate that there are only 27 pictures that make her more real. I hate that we don't have any handprints or footprints. I hate that Cadence was born pink, bright-eyed, and healthy enough to go home only 3 hours after being born only to die in my arms 27 hours later. I hate that the hospital wouldn't allow us to hold her after she was pronounced dead because it might mess up the autopsy results. I hate that I was so tired. I hate that I feel responsible for her death because being tired made me not notice sooner. I hate that my husband doesn't think he is a father anymore and won't look at her pictures. I hate that I know what advice to give women so their milk won't come in. I hate that I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight but the only clothes that fit correctly are some of my maternity clothes. I hate being unemployed because I don't have a reason to be a stay-at-home-mom anymore. I hate that the support group we went to in May didn't help. I hate knowing that I need private counseling but previous bad experiences are keeping me from going. I hate that I don't have anything to remember my twins except the memory of wanting them. I hate that I didn't allow myself to grieve properly the first time around. I hate that my rainbow baby died.
5:04 p.m. - Monday, Jun. 21, 2010
Recent entries:
Test post - Sunday, Feb. 26, 2017
Things I Hate the Most - Monday, Jun. 21, 2010
Remembering My Daughter - Monday, Jun. 21, 2010
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